Well....

So, I guess a little anger peeked through in the last Rant. Whoa... it's a good thing that I don't hold things in too much. I recall the rage and the reasoning behind it. I'm just glad that writing and talking cured me of the rage quickly.

Now, I look at the world and just get depressed. Not a "cry in my soup" depressed but a "whipped" feeling overcomes me when I watch the news sometimes. The positive must come out. I refuse to live in a "post holiday" slump. Granted, there are things in life we must all get through. Some realizations that "Life is Short" is not just a catch phrase. (enough with the quotation marks already!)

Well I've had to make an effort to smile lately. Nothing dramatic, just a slump but I can tell that, I just need a good laugh, a good friend, a good drink and some good music. Maybe I'll find the time over the next weekend to shake the blues but in the meantime I rely on funny emails from my friends.

I received an email from a friend in Florida. Most of the time she sends me crap like "If you don't send this to everyone you ever maintained eye contact with then you will die or have bad luck for 10 days" chain letters and Urban Legend "this happend to a woman in a dark parking lot" emails. But this time she sent me one called "thoughts on bathing a cat". That says it all, it made me laugh like hell, just what I needed. Thanks Elaine!

So, who have you killed today?

I'm making a list, checking it twice, it's a naughty list and has nothing to do with being nice. Nice isn't the norm anymore. It seems the "thing" now is naughty, nasty and downright mean. The more of a jerk you are the better you feel and that is just plain sad.

It's not really hard to be nice, well, some days it's a bit more difficult than others, granted but still think of all the bad Karma that being mean will bring down on your head. Didn't you ever hear the saying that it takes 33 muscles to frown but only 13 to smile? Well that's a load of whoey. No one really knows how many muscles it takes but I do know it only takes one finger to really piss someone off.

My grandmother caught me flipping the bird to someone one day and she scolded me for it. She then proceeded to tell me that it wasn't lady like to flip the bird, it's much better to blow kisses. I can vouch for what my grandmother said, it is much more effective to blow kisses, it pisses people off even more. Why I would take a little joy in that, I don't know. Consider it the bitch in me but if you cut me off on the highway and you don't use your blinkers or if you decide that you are going to make me drive 40 in a 65 mph zone, expect the kiss of death.

I've always said that it is a good thing I don't own a gun. I would be on the run from the law by now just for killing all the idiots on the road. I've even started to time how long it takes for me to swear at someone when I leave my house in the morning. Not a good thing when I can't get 5 minutes away before I start flinging F bombs around. I really must clean my mouth out, as grandma would say, it's just not lady like but damn it feels good!

The only way I can avoid the added stress of driving to or from work is to listen to a book on CD. I find I'm not as angry that someone cuts me off or can't figure out which lane they want to take so why not take both?. It only works if I'm enjoying the book. I can say that there are a few scratches on Audio CDs due to me flinging them into the back of my truck because I'm annoyed at the characters or the author. Sometimes listening to some stupid bimbo character, with skimpy undies, walk into a dark field where she heard a serial killer stalking around just makes me want to strangle the author. It's a bit different when I'm reading the book. It doesn't seem to be as stupid for some reason, maybe because I can skip pages or just burn the book in my fire pit. Simple joys.

Well, what I'm really getting at is that life is too short. Be nice to people. A simple thing for you to do but it means a lot to the people receiving the gesture (and I don't mean the finger). Smile. Say Hi and look people in the eye. You never know but that smile may travel for days. You smile, they smile, someone else smiles and so on. Not hard huh?

Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee

Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee...

Did you ever notice that if you type a word enough times you begin to doubt how it is spelled?

Did you ever wonder ....

If the professor on Gilligan's Island could make a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

If Wile E. Coyote, from the Road Runner, had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just order take out?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? hehehehe

Sorry, too much cooffee... coughfee.... coughfree... cofe... coffee

What a great idea, I'm glad I thought of it.

We all need a laugh every now and then. Personally I like to laugh, a lot. I have a very loud laugh but, in comparison to others, at least mine is real. I can't fake a laugh. I can fake a smile but my friends and family can see right through the toothy grin to the sarcasm underneath. The strange thing is that I don't really get jokes. My sense of humor tends to be darker and more sarcastic than the normal joke can deliver. A few things can really tickle my funny bone though.

1. Computer users who forget their password, everyday. The funny part is that the password is either their kids names or their own first name and I have to remind them of that.
2. Scifi "Darth" humor: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAL7w2ybTfQ
3. Animal antics - the cute fuzzy kind, like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIqhUCZgwXQ
4. The government sending me my refund when I know I forgot to sign it before I mailed it in.
5. My husband taking my new truck on a golf trip with his buddies while I get to drive his piece of crap pickup. haha, funny, poke my eye with a stick funny, but still has a dark twist that I appreciate funny
6. Telling telemarketers that "I'm sorry, I'm not here right now" and hanging up.

Here are a couple ideas that I'm going to start doing for fun:

When you get ads in your phone or utility bill, why not include them with the payment? Let THEM throw the stuff away.

When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express, or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back... blank! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all...THEY'RE paying for it! Twice!

Ebay induced laughter

I've gotta laugh at some of the stuff I see on eBay. I deal with eBay for a lot of work stuff but also some personal things. For the most part, it's a bunch of crap that other people are trying to pawn off on the gullible society that we are. Some, but very few, of the items are worth the cost and hassle, depending on what you're looking for. There are some areas that you can go that should be X-rated (the pictures anyway) and tossed into some searches are the odd ball things that make me giggle.

For example:
One guy is selling a box of his ex-girlfriends things. Stuff like shoes, shirts, Cds and what looks like a pocketbook. According to his listing, his current girlfriend is mad that this stuff is still around and he doesn't want to lose her because she "cooks for him and brings him beer".

There's a listing for "Lazy Mexican kids make $100 and hour". I'm afraid to click on it.

An Empty bottle of Grand Marnier "drunk by two gold diggers", picture is of two blonds rubbing each other's breasts, is for sale and currently going for $4.25.

Two "real" buffalo heads, mounted together are currently going for $520, yes, people are actually bidding on it.

Some guy is selling his "Ding Dong" and some chick is selling her "Booty". A Bigfoot foot casting, "the" spear that pierced Christ (someones gonna burn for that one), A Kangaroo Scrotum purse (eewww) and some guy is trying to sell his Mother-In-Law (his 3rd attempt).

Another good one, a "Cheat lock Male chastity belt with guard and rear shield" hehehehehehehe, "rear shield", hehehe.

Atkins lover bacon designed bandaids, with free toy! Yes, the bandaids really do look like bacon. I wonder if you lick them... never mind, I really don't want to know, nor do I want to know what the "free toy" is.

This is just a sample of what is currently listing. I've heard stories about a guy who sold his soul and the guy who bought it because he thought it would be funny to own someones soul. The best one I saw was listing a few years ago. It was a guy selling his ex-wife's wedding dress. He didn't have many women friends to model it for him, so he modeled it himself, complete with shaved head and wicked tattoos on his arms. He wanted to sell it to make enough money to have a burger and some beers with his friends. He figured it would piss off his ex-father-in-law too, extra bonus. He did end up selling the dress for about $1500 which goes to show you, girls, never leave your dress behind!

I wonder if I can sell my collection of old smelly shoes? Size 9 anyone?