Rage Tears

  

I apologize to my mother if you see this before I find the energy to tell you about it. You will hate this post but will understand at the same time. Just know that you are one of the reasons I got past this kind of BS in my life... and why I will again... #Strongwomen

Over the years I've accepted that who I am is a reaction to what I've lived through and some of it just sucked. While I may not have realized it at the time, that it sucked, I can look back and say... oh, wow, yeah I dealt with that and I'm doing ok but just, damn.

At 52 I can say I've lived the 80s child life of what most, now a days, would consider neglect and abuse but I see as, Hell yeah, I am an 80 kid and survived. What have you done with your life?

My mom would tell me "Come in when the streetlights turn on" and trust I would survive.

No cell phones if your car broke down. Walk to a stranger's house and ask to come in to use their phone. Oh yeah, did that, multiple times... and survived.

Some things I think back to now are because I've found a situation in my life that is making me flash back to the days I started working in "a man's world". How much of that made me who I am and how I deal with situations and people.

At the time I was 25, it was 1995 (yeah, I already said I was 52 so now you don't need to do math, you're welcome). I started as the PC Coordinator for a manufacturing plant. I had a great boss/mentor, but the company was very Mad Men in some ways. The dress code required that I wear a skirt. 'nuf said?

My job as PC Coordinator was basically the computer tech where I ran wires, setup computers, trained users and worked with the maintenance department to get cables run and such. I will tell you right now I had more respect for and from the men in the Maintenance dept than I did from most of the white collar jack asses that found it funny a woman was in a skirt and crawling under desks to run cables...

One instance changed things. I needed to run a wire behind an upper manager/VP level guys desk which meant he had to move away from his desk. He pushed back in his chair and sat there. I was 25, 5' 9" and fit, in a skirt and heels on my hand and knees crawling under his desk while he watched, from his chair. Ok, fine I've dealt with worse (for a later day blog).

Next thing I hear is the owner of the company, Mr. Kenney (80 year old grandpa figure of a guy)...

Mr. Kenney: "Uh, Stephanie, what are you doing under there?"

Me: I crawled out from under the desk and turned to face him, with the guy still sitting in his chair watching me. "Oh, Hi Mr. Kenney, I'm running a cable for (Dickheads) computer."

Mr. Kenney: "But you're wearing a skirt!"

Me: "Yes, because it's the dress code"

Mr. Kenney: "Margaret!!" (Mr. Kenney's Assistant who is in the next cube)

Margaret: "Yes Mr. Kenney"

Mr. Kenney: "Stephanie no longer needs to abide by the dress code and call a meeting with HR."

Margaret: "Yes Mr. Kenney"

Me: Damn

............................

That is a true story, even if the names are not exactly right. Growing up in the 80s and 90 (well, I'm still growing up really.. hehe) I now realize how much my sex and my body played into my life experiences, for good and bad. All of my work life has been "a man's world" and I laughed, smiled and ignored what I could. The few times where it could not be ignored, I had men who stood up for me. Mr. Kenney in the example above, another boss (JJK) who I will always love and adore, stood for me in another instance years later. Today I find I have another great man also standing up for me in a situation I didn't even knew existed. Thank you, Kyle.

This recent situation took me by surprise and made me think I did something wrong. I know I didn't, not intentionally anyway (wait, that's the old mentality where I take responsibility for someone else's bullshit, oh fuck that old game. I'm done playing.), and others are going after the person who is causing the issue. Hopefully official action will take place but I'm flashing back to things I thought I "got over" years, if not decades ago. 

I am not a piece of meat, a set of (great) boobs or a person to objectify and make jokes about (no, I won't cry, no I won't cry, no I won't cry... fuck... rage tears). I am a strong, smart, sometimes funny, woman who only wants to help and make people smile. My skill set is computers so that enables me to engage with all kinds of people, whether I want to or not. Frankly the computers don't talk trash or give me shit and if they do, well, I know where the power plug is. 

It has also allowed me to meet tons of people. Very few make it into my personal life. Most stay in the work zone and get labeled (in my head) with a computer skill level and a personality compatibility gauge. There are a few good ones that I hope stay around.

All others can kiss my ass if they think I am just a piece of ass.

As for work, believe it or not, this is just a small part of the situation. A piece I didn't know even existed, so I apologize for my intense reaction, if that is an issue for anyone. ... well... honesty, that's your problem.  

10 Years later

 Well, 10 years later and I can still log into the site... nice... I feel the need to vent, cry, scream and well, just rant... 

Day 1 after Election:

Attitude for the day: DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THE HUMAN RACE

Emotional Needs for getting through today: 

• Home brewed hot Sumatra coffee with extra caramel sauce and Egg Sandwich from Jitters Cafe (soooo good)
• Funky sparkly socks (even rolled up my jeans to flash them around... no one noticed but it was more for me anyway... I noticed and they made me smile).
• Work with ear buds in and audio book playing so I didn't have to talk to anyone for a while. 
• Clive Cussler: Isaac Bell, The Chase - Great old detective novel with crazy historical accuracy intertwined with character building and emotional heart tugging with all the shit that goes down, its' enthralling and distracting all at the same time. Like so many of his books are.
• Good cry for a minimum of 5 minutes (maybe later tonight, mini spurts on the way to work this morning). I'm legit sad for the people who are going to suffer for this decision.
• Glass of wine while watching a random Christmas Hallmark movie after work to stop the voices.
• Silence to unwrap the band that seems to be wrapped around my head intent on giving me a migraine by the end of the night. To be scheduled for later, in bed, under the covers, with my cat.
• Blog (thanks mom) - gets the voices out of my head and into the ether of the internet...

Now, I understand this is NOT the end of the earth... well, fuck, it definitely won't help the Earth (climate change anyone?), but we can get though 4 years of .... oh, brain hurts... crap... This Shit:

• Let's just start with a Women's rights to their body... yes, it is MY FUCKING BODY, NOT YOURS... done
• JFK in charge of health care? Brain worm guy who takes a dead bear from a road accident and cant get it home (to eat later) so he props it up in Central Park NY to look like a bike crash scene. He admits this on a Roseanne Barr show, in her kitchen... google it. The man is just bat shit crazy so, yeah, lets put him in charge of our national health care system. OMFG
• Let's eliminate the department of education... yeah, our kids are sooo smart ... this should be good.
• Massive drilling for oil, fracking and say goodbye to protected areas in Alaska and such... there be oil in them there fields.... 
• Musk in charge of Federal Spending... muahahahahahaaaahahaha... cough.. hahahahah... snort... 
• Vance in charge of woman's rights??... well, anything really... gimme a break... keep peddling your book dude... 
• Project 2025.... yeah, I'm friking moving to ... wouldn't you like to know....
• Mass deportation, I don't know what that means right now, how can he do it really?, but my heart breaks for all the people impacted by the shit coming down on them if they thought this "melting pot" of a country will support them for the next 4 years (or more, depending on the laws that get put in place). The Statue of Liberty is crying for all of us right now. We are all immigrants unless you are a Native American (and we killed or interred them into little controlled areas, go us (sarcasm)), you are a friken immigrant so deal with it.
• Pardon for you, pardon for you, pardon for you, pardon for me, pardon for you, no more justice system, what criminal cases?
• War in Ukraine stopped in 24 hours....
• Gaza??????????? 
• "Whether they like it or not, I'm going to protect them" .... well now, these seem like fightin words.... 
• So much more that I can't list it all.

I struggle to accept that so many people are ok with this new version of US politics. I really hope it won't be as horrible for the future generations as I expect it to be. If you thought the pandemic caused issues (can we say inflation?), just wait until the policy changes start to come down from this election result. I fear for our children and the world we are leaving them. I hurt for the people who think the US is a home for them to find the "American dream". I'm not even sure what that dream is any more. 

I hope it won't be as bad as I'm expecting. If the idea was to get lower prices at the grocery store, maybe we shouldn't kick out the migrants that work the farms each year because American's won't take the jobs. Try paying factory workers enough so young American's will take the jobs but don't raise the price of the products the companies make. Migrants are not the problem. We do need to figure out how to deal with the influx of people who think the US is the solution to their issues. That is a global problem, other countries are dealing with the same concerns with the amount of global disparity with countries going to war, drug cartels/trade, poverty, climate issues (water shortage). 

Ok, I think I'm done ranting for now. This helped a bit, I needed to put it out on in words on a page to get it out of my head. Talking doesn't do that for me with this subject. Too many people just piss me off with their stupid opinions and they don't like it when I ask questions because I just don't get it.